More

More! More!

Good News:

I got an A in the first course of my Masters.  Yay!  I'm a permanerd.

Yesterday I met a wiener dog named Milo. 

I slept in until 10:40 am this morning without waking up.  I did not think this was possible for me anymore.

Daniel and I had our first wellness check-in of 2008. 

I saw a good movie called Sunshine.  I love science fiction.  My favourite movies involve viruses or the sun dying or something hitting it or whatever.  I'm obsessed with impending doomsday when the SHTF (Shit hits the fan)

Bad News:

I ate a Chef Boyardee product today - mini ravioli (CB = Fatbody)

My next course is 'Innovative Models for Community Development".  While I was doing the readings this afternoon my monkeybrain seriously formulated this thought (and several variations): "Why I am reading this?  I don't give a shit about developing the community.  I need to take care of myself!"  You go monkeybrain!!!  That's the spirit of survival talking! (Or maybe it was the mini ravioli talking.)

I have coughed 12 times since I started writing this.  Make that 15 times.

I have a bad feeling about everybody.

I'm not tired yet and I need need need to get up early and go into work.  That never works.

Bllllllehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

hand on leg

I had a lot of wine last night and should be sleeping but here I am drinkin' water, headachin' and blogging it out.

Get ready for a story and discussion/reflection.

Story

(Honesty Rating (H.R.): med-high, Entertainment Value (E.V.): med-high (much better than yet another climbing story)

Last night I went to a Christmas party hosted by a friend from work.  She is a few years older with a partner and young son but the party was not a coupley lame-ass affair with pervasive diaper talk.  It was a great time with awesome food and plenty o' booze.  There were 40+ people expected to attend and on Friday, she was reflecting on whether there would be any single men whom I might like in attendance.  She thought of a few...

So she went through and explained this or that guy: tall, smart, financially stable, successful, funny, homeowner, 'great guy', etc.  On a sidebar, I think it is funny the adjectives we use to describe men or women when considering them as potential dates or partners.  On another sidebar, it is interesting how many other items on the list women are willing to trade up for 'tall'.   Anyway, I did my 'off dating' bit and just laughed along through the conversation.  

I dolled up for the party and arrived with Harry and Evan, two friends I work with (wearing my kickass new snow boots just in time for the blizzard! Yippee!)  As we started mingling, working the scene, if you will, in the back of my mind, I wondered who in the crowd of many strangers were the men my friend had described.  (Incidentally, I believe only 1 of them showed up on account of the weather...)

So I see this guy across the room (how cliche) and immediately that indescribable energy, something, prompts me to send his way the biggest, cutest smile I've got.  As some of you may know, this is quite a smile.  I had absolutely no idea if he was single or if one of the mini humans running around the kitchen were his contribution to species propagation.  The traits of this man were some of the usual for me:

- Big features: eyes and smile

- Tall and large (ie burly, not skinny at all.  Slightly heavy rather than rail thin.)

- Friendly: smiling and social, outgoing

- Glint o' laughter and trouble in the eyes and smile indicating playful, clever sense of humour

- Apparent ethnicity: Some percentage (ie 50% or less) black.  So he was light brown :)

- Dressed very casually - jeans, fleece.  No metrosexuality.

- Very confident

Soon we were introduced and he was sure he had met me somewhere.  I clarified that my smile earlier was charm and not recognition as we had never met before.  We chatted amidst a group of people and then it was time to go downstairs for the next course in the meal...  and in my mind, the game was on.  I knew within 3 seconds that I liked him and at the very least, my body had the clear intention of pursuit.  (Pursuit of meat suit)  

I made no mention to the hostess or any of my friends. Turns out he is her husband's poker buddy and wasn't even in the list of 'eligible' men she had thought about earlier.  As is the way, I had to pursue with subtlety.  I play a good cat and mouse.    I just worked the friendly and funny angle and mingled a lot with everyone.  The booze was flowing.  He emerged as quite a drinker and a smoker.  Clearly, he was a 'character'.  Harry would say, 'a big personality'.  He had this bad boy, devil may care thing going on.  In spite of several conversations, I had no idea of his occupation, education, status... etc.  Got the sense though, that there was nothing impressive to find out or I would have found it out!  Didn't care!

So we got to playing poker.  We were sitting beside each other (what a coincidence!) around the cramped poker table.   By now this guy had his leg very close to mine and every once in a while he gave my leg a squeeze with his hand.  Another sidebar:  Isn't the hand on leg electric?   I think hand on leg is the tipping point that acknowledges mutual sexual attraction.  When a man puts his hand on a woman's leg for the first time, it charts the course for what will come.  His hand wants to be up her skirt and between her legs!  Further, it indicates that he has received sufficient sexual signals from her to be so bold.  If she welcomes hand on leg, she will likely welcome head between legs etc. (Caveat: Social situation permitting, and not necessarily on the same evening! but viscerally (ie in the meat suit, monkeybrain connection) this holds true)

So isn't this fun?  Sneaky covert flirtation amongst a table of the drunk and oblivious.  Of course the hours moved along and Harry (who lives down the street) was aggressively trying to get me to leave.  Harry was telling me to go all in.  The boy I liked was giving me more chips. :) Sadly, eventually Harry won out and we headed upstairs to go.

At this point, everyone was congregated in the entryway by the door.   Harry was already outside looking for the cab.  Everyone was saying goodbye.  This guy had said I should stay and be his euchre partner (euphemism, lol) and was sad I was leaving.  I was almost out the door and wondering if/how I could even get to say goodbye to him.  

Right in front of everyone, he walked up to me smiling and gave me this huge hug.  Remember he was big and fleecy and it felt so freakin' good that I nearly melted into him or straddled him or something!  Then, still right in front of everyone - he kissed me long on the lips.  Too long to be just friendly, but not 'making out'.  He whispered that I should stay.  Oh god this meat suit of mine was all 'stay stay stay STAY!'  Of course, no no no.  I couldn't stay.  It was absolutely socially impossible for me to stay.

Everyone was surprised!  They exclaimed something about this guy being 'smooth' as if he was putting moves on me, the innocent female victim.  As if he was a player.  I laughed it off and went to the cab.  There were too many people to fit in the cab but a good friend of the hostess said (outside) 'We have to get Denise in the first cab - away from M!"  (where "M"=the boy I liked.  His full name is being kept out of this entry).  Then she jokingly said to me that I should take it as an early Christmas present: "Merry Christmas!"

So Merry freakin' Christmas.  I went home.

Discussion

The story took too long and now I don't have time for much discussion.  Some thoughts:

• Why am I here typing this instead of working on my seventh orgasm with my new friend?
• Is it possible to regret if you do and regret if you don't?  I have been cut by both edges of this sword in the past.  I KNOW I found him attractive when sober.  I WANTED him.  I KNOW I very purposefully made him want me too.
• Were the people at the party trying to protect me because he is of bad character? ie girlfriend? baggage? STI? man whore? flake? Or did they just assume I was being compromised as a result of alcohol?
• I am nearly positive that he was not 'dateable' in a future-looking way.  If this is relevant, then why doesn't my body give a shit about future 'relationship potential'?  I think it wants to make big, hearty babies and all it cares about is selecting the alpha who will get up in there.  My meat suit does not give a crap if my coworkers judge me or I end up stressing about consequences (all sorts) later.  So I try to do the responsible thing and now I feel sad.  
• Wouldn't the time have been better spent climbing???

Oh well.  All will agree, it is not always about immediate gratification but about planting seeds and letting them grow.  I will learn more about him on Monday and just let it unfold.  In the meantime... gotta run to brunch people.

xox

d

 

The Meaning of Life

This is the first of many in my new monkeybrain series. Philosophers enjoy. This is fucked up.

So at the heart of it all is energy. We've all got a piece of that action. Then we've got this monkeybrain which we don't fully know how to operate. We are further limited in our (in)ability to perceive dimensions. We get three of them plus time (unless there are any ants or bees reading my blog). Time is a partial. Meaning we can see it when we're in it and after it has passed but not when it's still ahead of us.

Then there is the meat suit. We carry the energy and the monkeybrain around in the meat suit.

We all (billions of us!) live on a big round rock with a bunch of other creatures that have energy, monkeybrains and meat suits. Some of them we eat. Yum.

We know about some other stuff way out there... stars, planets, our universe (expanding at an increasing rate!!!), other universes... stars, matter, anti-matter, dark matter... (This can overload the monkeybrain so be careful here.)

Each night we sleep to build and rebuild the meat suit and the monkeybrain gets all charged up with energy so we dream. Then we wake up and do the mill-about:

• The monkey brain perceives what's what and gives/receives signals to/from environment and the meat suit. It's all about the chemicals. Happy, sad, excited, curious, impatient, driven, lonely... all chemicals in the monkeybrain. We seek out situations that give us good chemicals and avoid situations that give us bad chemicals.
• We primp, preen, stuff and fluff the meat suit and buy things to cover it and decorate it. Cute shoes. I love what you've done with your hair!
• Most of us are professionally employed, so we generally sit around and use the monkeybrain for stuff of little to moderate consequence: The left brain sequences and the right brain looks at the big picture and puts it together.
• We are designed to enjoy (ie gooooood chemicals in the monkeybrain) joining certain parts of our meat suit with certain parts of other meat suits. We think an awful lot about rubbing up parts. Can't help it! They fit so perfectly and this is, of course, how we keep the whole game going.
• We like to spend time with humans who give us good chemicals. This usually means that they have a meat suit we like or that their monkeybrain works a lot like ours. This is comforting.
• When we really like another human we enter an agreement. It says: I really like your mb and ms and energy. I promise to help you feed your ms, and to give you good chemicals in your mb. I also promise to never rub my ms up against anyones except yours!
• All the rubbing creates new humans and we are designed to like them even though they look and act like science experiments gone bad and are a ton of work to grow to full size. It's worth it! They are smooth and new and we like it. Just about as much as we dislike wrinkled and old.
• We all play along and keep the whole game going... but somehow those damn chemicals are never quite right. We just keep trying for the good ones! Even people with beautiful meat suits who can rub them against anyone they want can't get that monkeybrain any peace. (ie Owen Wilson)... We make and break agreements with other humans. We travel all around in our meat suits. Some of us even try to get at the energy part. What is it???

The biggest joke is that there isn't a human among us who knows wtf we are supposed to be doing here!!! We feed the meat suit, do the rub, make more of us, use the monkeybrain (hoping yours doesn't go on the fritz like mine did!) and seek out the good chemicals. We aren't sure what exactly is left when you strip away the chemicals, the monkeybrain and the meat suit.

Yet somehow deep down we feel the energy. We know we are connected to every other bit of energy and to something big. We just freakin' know it.