Monday, December 17, 2007

moving to another place

Is it normal to think a lot about moving to another place? Especially in winter I have the thought of picking up and starting something fresh and new at least seventeen times (literally) a day.

My mind is busy with messages like these:

move out
quit your job
leave here
travel travel travel
this is not your place
this is not your home
start over

I've made it over a year in my job and over a year in my current place, yet these thoughts never seem to leave me. As a possible remedy, I researched buying a bed. It seemed symbolic of taking root. I called Sleep Country and remembered how much I HATE mattress salesmen. One step up from used car salesmen.

Now I have this anxiety ball in my stomach so I decided to blog and then exercise. Big shocker - going climbing with HP. I hate everyone today but luckily not him. He was excited because usually when I get a hate on, he's public enemy number one. He attributes it to the climbing.

Just talked to him - change of plans... ribs! (Comfort food!)



Sunday, December 16, 2007

hand on leg

I had a lot of wine last night and should be sleeping but here I am drinkin' water, headachin' and blogging it out.

Get ready for a story and discussion/reflection.


(Honesty Rating (H.R.): med-high, Entertainment Value (E.V.): med-high (much better than yet another climbing story)

Last night I went to a Christmas party hosted by a friend from work.  She is a few years older with a partner and young son but the party was not a coupley lame-ass affair with pervasive diaper talk.  It was a great time with awesome food and plenty o' booze.  There were 40+ people expected to attend and on Friday, she was reflecting on whether there would be any single men whom I might like in attendance.  She thought of a few...

So she went through and explained this or that guy: tall, smart, financially stable, successful, funny, homeowner, 'great guy', etc.  On a sidebar, I think it is funny the adjectives we use to describe men or women when considering them as potential dates or partners.  On another sidebar, it is interesting how many other items on the list women are willing to trade up for 'tall'.   Anyway, I did my 'off dating' bit and just laughed along through the conversation.  

I dolled up for the party and arrived with Harry and Evan, two friends I work with (wearing my kickass new snow boots just in time for the blizzard! Yippee!)  As we started mingling, working the scene, if you will, in the back of my mind, I wondered who in the crowd of many strangers were the men my friend had described.  (Incidentally, I believe only 1 of them showed up on account of the weather...)

So I see this guy across the room (how cliche) and immediately that indescribable energy, something, prompts me to send his way the biggest, cutest smile I've got.  As some of you may know, this is quite a smile.  I had absolutely no idea if he was single or if one of the mini humans running around the kitchen were his contribution to species propagation.  The traits of this man were some of the usual for me:

- Big features: eyes and smile
- Tall and large (ie burly, not skinny at all.  Slightly heavy rather than rail thin.)
- Friendly: smiling and social, outgoing
- Glint o' laughter and trouble in the eyes and smile indicating playful, clever sense of humour
- Apparent ethnicity: Some percentage (ie 50% or less) black.  So he was light brown :)
- Dressed very casually - jeans, fleece.  No metrosexuality.
- Very confident

Soon we were introduced and he was sure he had met me somewhere.  I clarified that my smile earlier was charm and not recognition as we had never met before.  We chatted amidst a group of people and then it was time to go downstairs for the next course in the meal...  and in my mind, the game was on.  I knew within 3 seconds that I liked him and at the very least, my body had the clear intention of pursuit.  (Pursuit of meat suit)  

I made no mention to the hostess or any of my friends. Turns out he is her husband's poker buddy and wasn't even in the list of 'eligible' men she had thought about earlier.  As is the way, I had to pursue with subtlety.  I play a good cat and mouse.    I just worked the friendly and funny angle and mingled a lot with everyone.  The booze was flowing.  He emerged as quite a drinker and a smoker.  Clearly, he was a 'character'.  Harry would say, 'a big personality'.  He had this bad boy, devil may care thing going on.  In spite of several conversations, I had no idea of his occupation, education, status... etc.  Got the sense though, that there was nothing impressive to find out or I would have found it out!  Didn't care!

So we got to playing poker.  We were sitting beside each other (what a coincidence!) around the cramped poker table.   By now this guy had his leg very close to mine and every once in a while he gave my leg a squeeze with his hand.  Another sidebar:  Isn't the hand on leg electric?   I think hand on leg is the tipping point that acknowledges mutual sexual attraction.  When a man puts his hand on a woman's leg for the first time, it charts the course for what will come.  His hand wants to be up her skirt and between her legs!  Further, it indicates that he has received sufficient sexual signals from her to be so bold.  If she welcomes hand on leg, she will likely welcome head between legs etc. (Caveat: Social situation permitting, and not necessarily on the same evening! but viscerally (ie in the meat suit, monkeybrain connection) this holds true)

So isn't this fun?  Sneaky covert flirtation amongst a table of the drunk and oblivious.  Of course the hours moved along and Harry (who lives down the street) was aggressively trying to get me to leave.  Harry was telling me to go all in.  The boy I liked was giving me more chips. :) Sadly, eventually Harry won out and we headed upstairs to go.

At this point, everyone was congregated in the entryway by the door.   Harry was already outside looking for the cab.  Everyone was saying goodbye.  This guy had said I should stay and be his euchre partner (euphemism, lol) and was sad I was leaving.  I was almost out the door and wondering if/how I could even get to say goodbye to him.  

Right in front of everyone, he walked up to me smiling and gave me this huge hug.  Remember he was big and fleecy and it felt so freakin' good that I nearly melted into him or straddled him or something!  Then, still right in front of everyone - he kissed me long on the lips.  Too long to be just friendly, but not 'making out'.  He whispered that I should stay.  Oh god this meat suit of mine was all 'stay stay stay STAY!'  Of course, no no no.  I couldn't stay.  It was absolutely socially impossible for me to stay.

Everyone was surprised!  They exclaimed something about this guy being 'smooth' as if he was putting moves on me, the innocent female victim.  As if he was a player.  I laughed it off and went to the cab.  There were too many people to fit in the cab but a good friend of the hostess said (outside) 'We have to get Denise in the first cab - away from M!"  (where "M"=the boy I liked.  His full name is being kept out of this entry).  Then she jokingly said to me that I should take it as an early Christmas present: "Merry Christmas!"

So Merry freakin' Christmas.  I went home.

The story took too long and now I don't have time for much discussion.  Some thoughts:
  • Why am I here typing this instead of working on my seventh orgasm with my new friend?
  • Is it possible to regret if you do and regret if you don't?  I have been cut by both edges of this sword in the past.  I KNOW I found him attractive when sober.  I WANTED him.  I KNOW I very purposefully made him want me too.
  • Were the people at the party trying to protect me because he is of bad character? ie girlfriend? baggage? STI? man whore? flake? Or did they just assume I was being compromised as a result of alcohol?
  • I am nearly positive that he was not 'dateable' in a future-looking way.  If this is relevant, then why doesn't my body give a shit about future 'relationship potential'?  I think it wants to make big, hearty babies and all it cares about is selecting the alpha who will get up in there.  My meat suit does not give a crap if my coworkers judge me or I end up stressing about consequences (all sorts) later.  So I try to do the responsible thing and now I feel sad.  
  • Wouldn't the time have been better spent climbing???
Oh well.  All will agree, it is not always about immediate gratification but about planting seeds and letting them grow.  I will learn more about him on Monday and just let it unfold.  In the meantime... gotta run to brunch people.




Saturday, December 15, 2007

chimney day!

Today I was up bright and early to climb with Paul.  It was a great climbing day but the pinnacle was when I completed the 60 ft chimney climb.  It would not be such a big deal, but for some reason climbing up a corner with crevices and angles freaks me out. 

After climbing, we had breakfast and I got to drinkin' coffay (buzz, buzz).  The coffee boosted me from regular to near exultant post-climbing euphoria.

Next was shopping at MEC.  I got:
- Warm (and cool lookin') snow boots
- Warm (and cool lookin') ski pants.  (FYI I don't ski.  These are all for staying warm in the city this winter!  I'm serious about staying warm!)
- A shoe repair kit for my climbing shoes.  I abused them too much and got a hole in one toe.
- A backpack with a place for my laptop.  It is pretty funky with even a cover for rain or snow.
- A climbing DVD for Harry's Christmas gift.
- 2 climbing books - one for me, one for Harry - known as the 'climbing bible'.  Can't wait to read it!  (The scriptures of my new religion.)

Now I am going to a party where I plan to drink some red wine and have a good time!


Thursday, December 13, 2007


Tonight I went climbing with Tasha and learned (the hard way) about creepers.  This guy started talking to us while we were at the bar (exercise, not bar for drinkin') trying to act all this-is-this-and-that-is-that about chin-ups and such.  I noticed nearly immediately that he was focused on Tasha.  He then asked if we'd mind belaying him.

This was where I got concerned.  Although climbing in a three is fine with friends, I was not signing up to climb with some guy all night and get less climbs.  Soon Jamie (works there) called me over and asked me to help him with a belay check.  I climbed for a bit with a nice woman named Julia (the person getting the belay check) and figured I could stay away from the irritating guy who was laying it on thick by this point.

A little while later Jamie said "you're welcome."  We started talking and he said "that guy Dan is a creeper.  He hits on women climbers and will act all expert about climbing and the gym.  He'll drive out the partner of whomever he is focused on with the aim of getting a phone number.  As soon as he gets it, he will ease off and even start talking to other girls."  I was like "No freakin' way!  That is exactly what happened to me!"  Fucker.

The problem is Tasha is super outgoing and flirty with guys (whom she has no interest in) so there was no way he was going to back off.  I just laid low and climbed with other people.  I told Tasha what Jamie said but she did not seem to get it.   She was like 'Really? I don't find him creepy!'  She says she is clueless with this stuff.  Hmmmm.

Now I am in the foulest mood.  For me climbing is meaningful and I take the environment very seriously.  I love meeting new people there and almost all of them are great - very passionate about climbing and very helpful and community-oriented.

That guy was so effing out of line that it isn't even funny.  He won't see Tasha there often but he will see me and I will seriously tell him to beat it, if I choose to acknowledge him at all.  

You may have noticed that this has struck a nerve with me.  At bars and such growing up I was always the one guys approached to say: "Your friend is really hot" or "Hey is your friend single?"  Actually, she's fuck right off.  

I know, I know.  Serious pity party here.  Boo hoo.  Fine I say.  I get it.  I'm fine with it and frankly, bars are places where this sort of bullshit is expected, and (arguably) should at least be tolerated.  However, when I'm there, climbing with my friend, doing something that is challenging and scary and powerful, I don't need it.  I don't want one teeny reminder of the day when I sat back in fatbody and just knew that some guy talking to me wasn't really interested in me or anything I had to say.

So thanks for reading my rant.  I've already spoken to Tasha about it so I think we're good going forward.  Look out creepers.  Seriously look out.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

i effing finished it

Yay i finished it and went climbin'!

Woo hoo! Good times to come everybody!

Climbing was exciting.  I jumped for one tonight - called a dyno.  Harry called it a dynah - the female version.  I called it a dynette because my jump was so small normal humans would not have detected it.  

It is time to step it up.  Get ready.  Seriously.  This is gonna be good.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

5 interesting things from today or so

5 interesting things from today or so

1. Got a Christmas card from Barbara who was my 82 year old neighbour when I moved to Novato, CA.  I remember I was worried the first time we went out together that she would fall or get tired or something... a few months later we were walking several hundred windy winding stairs to the Point Reyes Lighthouse.  Turned out she was my old person role model - physically, intellectually, emotionally, she's just cool.  Now she lives in Santa Rosa at a Quaker retirement home called Friends House.

2. Reading a book called 'Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman'.  If you don't know about this guy you've got to find out.  He is brilliant and eccentric - he won the Nobel Prize in physics, worked on the atomic bomb, was one of the world's greatest theoretical physicists and 'thrived on outrageous, 'eye-brow raising' adventures.  Very artsy creative too.  I love people who combine social and intellectual intelligence. 

3.  My blog now comes up in google searches.  Try searching for it using "monkeybrain meat suit".

4. I have nearly finished my big ass paper for my Organizational Democracy course.  This is exciting because it means I can do other things I like, such as: climbing, running around the track at the U of T athletic centre, Christmas shopping, Clothing Show (this weekend! woowoo), Christmas partaying (this weekend! woowoo), laundray (poopoo)

5.  Okay I can't resist one climbing update.  Today I smeared when I did not think I could (grips too small) and I totally got past a tough spot.  It was great!

Goodnight lovelies.



Friday, December 07, 2007

a few minutes

of honesty.  so I just got back from the holiday partay and it was fun.  I am now officially drunk and I have found another party.  Having called a cab and waiting for an undetermined (ie cab company could not estimate) time I decided to fill the time with honesty.

Sadly I am not drunk enough for honesty.

Everything I could come up with that is rock bottom honest would be against my best interest to articulate.  I think that is why people lie and why people don't usually go about their day drunk.

I hear a car.  Please be my cabby.

So people got way more drunk than me tonight.  

I loved jon bon.  There were some cougars at the concert in front of H, S and I.  So funny.  Then I looked around and saw a sea of white women.  Most of them looked like hicks.  Oh well I let the thought go that I didn't belong and didn't want it want him as much as those cougars singin' along and  looking trashy.  Then I thought of work and how I did not want to miss the speeches.  And then I  thought of Harry because I always do and I left him a singing message.  Livin' on a Prayer.  Yes.  No more honesty here.

Then back to the party and all anyone asked was 'how was bon jovi???' and I got sick of it.  I was back and I wanted to know what I had missed.

Then I danced and got territorial even though I have no territory. 

Then I found this other party where I will likely get myself so drunk and tired that I do no productive work on my paper tomorrow.   I am freakin' freezing because my window is open because of fumes.  I loved bon jovi because I love crowds and being part of something so big where I am nothing.  so small and observing from a view so big. thinking about the humans and how cool they are.

goodnight.  i will call the cab and tell them lateness could breed too much honesty and we need to get rolling.  my room is freezing and fume-y and if I had I good bed I bet I would stay.



Thursday, December 06, 2007

Up and coming

1. Bon Jovi - tomorrow night!
2. Northwater Holiday Partay at the Carlu - tomorrow night!
3. Afterpartay - Rob's place - tomorrow night!
3. Daniel and Terri's Hanukkah partay on Sunday. Maybe I'll meet a cute Jewish boy with lovely brown curls under his kippah.
4. Finishing my paper - this weekend! I freakin' hope I do finish it. Due on Thursday but enough is enough.

Today was my last class for Organizational Democracy. Loved it. Our group did really well on the presentation tonight too. Very satisfying to have payoff for marginally trying group work.

Wow. This masters thing is going to take some serious blood, sweat and tears. I am 1/10 of the way finished!

bye xoxo


Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Got stuff lost stuff

1) New glasses - think purple and brown. plastic. larger. rounder. They look better than their description.
2) A mini haircut removing back (hockey hair) and shortening the bangs. Must look good for Jon Bon on Friday.

1) My climbing harness
2) My chalk bag
3) My 30th birthday Tiffany's letter 'd' necklace. It was in the little pocket of my chalk bag where I kept it while climbing.

Hope is not lost but I already checked the climbing gym lost and found with no good news to report. Jamie says stealing a harness is bad karma. I am sorta dead inside right now so I don't care much either way.

Goin' climbing tonight so maybe I'll rent me a harness or steal Harry's since he copied me and bought the same one.



Monday, December 03, 2007

Nowhere like nowhere

Working away on my paper at work I was thinking about why I don't want to go home. With two great roommates and a very nice pad in the Annex, what gives? I never really hang there and haven't even sat on our living room couch long enough to watch a movie. Ever I think. It is 9 pm and I'm seriously thinking of rushing home so I can rush out again to the gym and run around the track. And I'm freakin' tired too. Theories:

1) Comings and goings - with two roommates and their two boyfriends (only one each) there is always an arrival or departure. Our princess pad is fun but not what I would call tranquil.
2) Cold - I have a huge window and it gets pretty drafty in there. I have a little heater that makes it warm as toast but it takes time. Coupled with the hardwood floor, I just don't find it cozy in winter. More of a summer space.
3) Crappy bed - So back when I quit my job at GE I became a nomad and minimalist. I scavenged a futon from this jerk before he left the country. Then this other jerk screwed around it in with this other other jerk and I decided to replace the futon mattress part. At the time I thought it would serve as an infrequently used couch and it somehow turned out to be my permanent bed. It is thin, uncomfortable, studenty and carries negative connotations. Why don't I replace it? There exists a complicated list of reasons which shall not be the topic of this blog entry.
4) Impermanence - The Dalai Lama told a story of his monk friend getting depressed over his meditation on impermanence. It is a bit of a bummer. Being in a rented place with two roommates just screams temporary. I never fully nest there. Hence I never really work at creating the environment to come home to.
5) Pushing, pushing, pushing - I pressure myself a lot. Work, school, exercise - I have so many goals that have lost my nap-reflex and even had to completely abandon my 10 pm bedtime! I seriously do not quit and relaxing is tough when my mind is buzzing with things to do. I can't sit quiet with myself.

Ultimately there is a psychological safety, comfort and grounding that my home lacks for me. I now extend this statement to my life. Ultimately there is a psychological safety, comfort and grounding that is missing in my life. In this exact moment I am sitting in the dark at the top of a tower looking out on a muted city that appears never-ending. In this exact moment I feel utterly alone.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Warm inside on a snowy winter day

I feel like a scholar today. After over 20 hours of research and academic adventuring online this weekend I feel like I have grown my perspective. I am writing a research paper on the extent to which online collaboration tools (wikis, blogs, discussion groups etc.) facilitate organizational democracy and impact organizational power structures. These are the things I am learning about:

- Communities of Practice
- Computer Supported Collaboration
- Computer Supported Cooperative Work
- Discussion Groups
- Enterprise 2.0
- Knowledge Management
- Knowledge Workers
- KPIs (Key Performance Indicators)
- Masturbation (just checking if you're paying attention!)
- Microsoft Office SharePoint Server 2007
- Power
- Virtual Communities of Practice
- Web 2.0
- Weblogs
- Wikis
- Workflows

Anyway if you're wondering what I'm up to, this is life after October.