Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dream Dirty

I am a lucky one who dreams crazy and remembers. Sometimes I even know I'm dreaming when I'm dreaming and then watch out! Orgies, cigarette smoking and flying! (Some friends I told this to say they picture me as a devious smoking valkyrie! But that's not what this entry is about...

The other day a boy emailed me and said that he had just had a particularly dirty dream about me and that he'd tell me about it when drunk. Now this is a boy I find hot. This is a boy with whom I enjoy the odd treat. I did not reply to his email but still I find myself wondering what the heck he was dreaming! It is so weird that beyond one's control, one can find oneself in the deep subconscious of another! What was I doing there? What did I do? Can I do it in real life???



Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Today I got an IM message from a couple... They described themselves as 'friends who share sexual experiences'. They are looking for a new experience: threesome or foursome...

I told them it had been six months since I had a twosome so three or four would probably be overdoing it... ;)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

How do you like me now?

OK here are some photos of me with my new lesbian hair...

What do you think?


Monday, April 17, 2006

Speak Up

Hey Everybody

I changed the settings so now you don't have to have an account or log in to leave a comment. Please test it out and leave a comment right now :0)

Here's what you can comment on: (choose one!)

a - whether or not I should get blue hair (it is on my top ten list!)
b - whether or not I should try dating a girl
c - whether or not it is appropriate for me to give fake names, occupations, accents during bad dates for my own amusement (and yours!)

Thanks all!


Friday, April 07, 2006

Beautiful Moment

Tonight I went for a burger and beverage with H at Betty's. Yummmm. Ended up that we both didn't feel like drinking alcohol so I just had tea. (I'm telling you this as a precursor to my story so you know I am not drunk!)

It was weird - I felt really pretty today and tonight. H even noticed - he said 'you look good'...and he thought maybe I had gotten some sun colour on my face. I was all glowy. I just got home and it was so weird because I had this really freaky experience while standing in front of the mirror.

It's hard to explain. I felt like I was seeing myself for the first time. I stared into myself and I saw such an incredibly beautiful person. I loved the way I looked! I just seemed to love everything - my hair, my face, my body... even my jiggly little belly which is always a little large in proportion to the rest of me. For one frozen moment in time there was no other person I wanted to look like more than exactly me. For some of you, maybe you're thinking - hey, that's no biggie - I feel like that all the time. For others, maybe you're thinking - wow - I've never felt like that.

For me, this is a huge milestone - It sounds unreal now but my self-talk from early adolescence on was so critical and cruel. I told myself again and again that I was fat, ugly, unlovable. I know it sounds overly dramatic but believe me it was bad. I was convinced that I was a monster - can you imagine? I look back and it is heartbreaking what I put myself through. It sounds so cliche but I'm finally feeling love for myself. I'm starting to feel really comfortable and confident in my own skin. The shift is subtle but yet so pronounced... what a beautiful change :)


Stop the Presses!!!

I have made a major, groundbreaking discovery about men.

I was having sushi with two male friends of mine (H and C) who are as testosterish, sporty and boarish as any. They were talking about how they had brunch at Mel's last weekend and their waitress was wearing a shirt that revealed quite a bit. Apparently she was *quite* overweight with some skin showing in a way not intended by the shirt designer (although I blame the pants these days for the bulge factor... but that's another blog). Anyway, that sort of thing happens all the time, but the absolute shocker and I mean SHOCKER of it is that both of them were going on about how she was HOT.

Is fat the new thin? I know many women can pull off curvy or voluptuous - sure yes. But are there some women who are at their attractive best when they're downright meaty? How much chubb is too much for these men?

Granted, I did not see the girl - I only heard about her. Maybe she was not ever fat at all and that's just how warped our society is... who knows? Maybe next time we eat together I'll lift up my shirt and shoot a penny out of my belly button and then I'll make my jiggly belly speak. It will say 'how do you like me now???' I bet H & C would like that... it would be funny... but hot.... I'm thinking no!

Happy Friday!


Saturday, April 01, 2006

Funniest April Fool's Ever!!!

K so I slept in until 11 am which only gave me 1 hr for April Fool's Day Mayhem. (Purests know that pranks can only go on before noon!)

So I called my friend Jenny Hahn (known since Grade 9 - highschool - she's married and lives in Winnipeg now) Her husband tells me she traveling and gives me her work cell number. I call her up and tell her:

Omigod Jenny. About 2 and a half weeks ago I went on a Lavalife date with a guy named Darcy and we got drunk on red wine (believe me she knows what that's like!) and...

Jenny inserts - "You shagged him!!!"

I say 'Yes and...'

Jenny inserts - "You're not preggers are you?"

I'm like - "Jenny I work up this morning and I threw up!!!! I went to the drugstore and got myself a p.t. Now I peed on the stick but I can't make myself go look at it... so I called you."

Jenny's like "Omigod - you have to go look at the stick. Holy fuck Deniser... what's Audrey gonna say?"

I'm all "I can't look at the stick"

Jenny's like "Deniser look at the stick!!! I can't believe you're laughing..."

I keep delaying looking at the stick - totally driving her nuts and finally I look at the stick and I'm like "HOOOOLYYYY SHIIIIIIIT - It's positive!!!"

She totally freaks and I totally freak and I can't stop laughing but that makes it all the more believable cuz I think that's what I would really do if such a thing happened. Finally I say "I hope it's a girl. I already have the name picked out." She asks what and I say: "First name...April. Middle name......Fools!"

Then I laughed so hard I was crying and almost peed my pants. It was CLASSIC. Good ol' Jenny Hahn. In highschool i convinced her that you can smoke cigarettes through your ear. Some things never change ;)

Happy April Fool's everybody!

PS check out today...

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I say

I have an unfortunate name and just let me tell you why:

OK Here it is: DENISE

Play the change one letter game and you get: demise or penise
Play the eliminate one letter game and you get: dense

Then there's all the loosely rhyming stuff:
denise the beast (cousins thought of this one while I was in my formative years)
deniser the greaser (this came from highschool...

...let it land.
uh huh.
i know.
just nasty.)

There's the ability to simply pronounce it offensively without even really changing it:
DUUUUUH-niece. (This originated in camp but my friend's dad still does it for laughs. Fucking hilarious.)

There are also unfortunate names that people use accidentally instead of denise:

(I hate these as much as or more than denise)

Finally there is the old: Hey De-niece, how's De-nephew?

Sometimes at 7:30 am on a Sunday I get a bit down about my stupid name. I guess if elf up popped in right now to share some optimism, there IS a bright side to all this. The archives say that mumsy and dad were at a toss-up between two girls names....

My friends... I was almost a Noreen!!!!

(If you're wondering what this has to do with dating, I'm in a long term relationship with myself and I think I may need to end it because this name sucks!)



Thursday, March 09, 2006

Let me take a moment to

be drunk and truthful.

No one will ever compare.